Philosophy saved my life.
When I was growing up with two abusive parents, I was often overwhelmed by how little control I had over my own life.
Whether today was a good day or not often depended on whatever moods my parents found themselves in.
By the time high school rolled around, and I had begun to layer these problems with the more ordinary teenage woes of a devastating break-up, I was feeling profoundly lost.
In 11th grade I was drowning in AP courses, anxiety about applying to college, and suffering at the hands of my toxic ex’s leadership in my favorite extracurricular activity - marching band.
I discovered an old yellow book amongst the many shelves in our home - nearly every inch of available wall in the common spaces were filled with cinder block bookshelves.
It was called “The Essential Works of Stoicism”
I found myself drawn to Marcus Auerilus’ To Himself otherwise known as The Meditations.
I remember feeling particularly hopeless one gloomy fall day...
One of the biggest challenges survivors of toxic people face is isolation.
We can often feel like nobody understands our situation.
And you may be right that nobody immediately around us understands, it is false that nobody understands.
So how to we overcome feeling isolated? Let's get connected!
I am officially launching a 100% free Facebook group to help survivors of toxic people make peace with their boundaries.
Not only will I be regularly going LIVE offering special trainings on how to level up your boundaries game, but I will also be posting exclusive content in the group.
While I am showing up BIG TIME in the group, I would absolutely love if you would show up and help support your fellow survivors.
So many of you have rich experiences that can help others. Together we can build a beautiful space that helps all of us feel a little more connected.
If you are interested in joining the group, just click this link and it will take...
It is 100% natural to want closure after enduring any kind of narcissistic relationship. There are so many dramatic ups and downs in these kinds of spaces, it really does make sense to want some sense that this really is the end and life is moving on.
Unfortunately, narcissists generally are unwilling to entertain any such activity. Narcissists cannot tolerate closure because it means facing that they no longer have control over you. Narcissists are always looking to find their new supply and closure, by definition, means that they can no longer get that supply from you.
Because Narcissists refuse to believe that someone they once exerted so much control over has actually stepped outside of their control, they will never accept any process of closure.
So, what does that mean for us survivors?
We long for closure, but all the traditional ways to seek that closure - like having a heart-to-heart conversation- just aren’t going to cut it in our situation. Are we screwed?
If you are going to survive toxic people, you need to establish boundaries. But if you are going to thrive once those toxic people are out of your life, you need to make peace with those boundaries.
Making peace is the only way to be so unshakably confident in your boundaries that no matter what people say to you, you will never feel doubt or regret about them.
I’m going to cover three different reasons that making peace with your boundaries is so important. Ok, let’s dive in!
You have to take bold, potentially imperfect action when you establish boundaries. For most of us, there are a million what-if scenarios that we can spend our time worrying over. When you make peace with your boundaries, no matter how imperfect they may be, you no longer spend all that time and mental energy go over the what-ifs. You embrace your journey as your own, and you go...
Going no-contact is really tough, but the process is a bit easier when you have a solid plan to work with. I've created an interactive guide to help you along the process. If you are ready, you can grab that guide for free here.
I breakdown going no-contact into these big five pieces:
Step 1 – Identify that you are ready to go no-contact with the toxic person
Step 2- Determine what you want and need from this boundary
Step 3- Come up with a plan to implement the boundary
Step 4- Get support to help once the boundary is up
Step 5- Implement the boundary
Each of these steps is very important. To learn more about them and what exactly you need to do in order to get through each one- download this free guide!
Today we are going to tackle a delicate question. In the survivor community, we have a tendency to talk about toxic people as though they aren’t human. We talk about how evil they are and how inhumane they treat other people. And honestly, all of that talk is 100% earned by the toxic people we’ve had to interact with. However, it does bring us into some uncomfortable spaces when we are thinking about the children of toxic people.
I had a very interesting exchange with a follower over on my Instagram recently about how to think about the children of toxic people. It's easy to get wrapped up in thinking that anyone who is exposed to such high levels of toxicity from a young age will necessarily walk out of that situation with some toxic tendencies. And while that thinking makes some sense, it's got some pretty big flaws.
If you’ve been following my content for very long, you know that I am the child of two toxic parents. I can also say with full confidence that I am...
Navigating toxic people is incredibly challenging. It’s a lot to work through the piles of psychological manipulation and chaos. For those of you who are new here, welcome! I have survived two toxic parents, a toxic ex, and a toxic mother-in-law, and today I want to share with you some of my biggest mistakes along the way.
Before I dive in, I do want to point out that all of the mistakes that I am going to be talking about are very understandable. It's not like we should blame anyone for engaging in similar mistakes. This stuff is really hard and it's natural that we occasionally misstep. At the end of the day, if you can find a way to live a little bit more peacefully, you are winning, no matter how many missteps you make along the way.
Ok with that being said, let’s jump in:
I spent a lot of energy hoping and wishing that my aunts or uncles or grandparents would understand what was happening in my toxic home. I...
Going no-contact with a toxic person means that you no longer have any form of communication with this individual. It is one of the biggest boundaries you can build when dealing with another person.
Its important to acknowledge that going no-contact is not the appropriate choice for everyone who is navigating toxic people. If you are co-parenting with a toxic person, or you are forced to be in a work environment with one, going fully no-contact may not be an available option.
If you’ve spent some time in the abuse recovery space, you probably have heard that going no-contact is the best solution to dealing with toxic people. And while this is the general advice, it can be detrimental to your overall well-being if you go no-contact before you are ready to.
I like to think of no-contact as the long-term goal for folks who are actively engaged with toxic people. Actually going no-contact takes a LOT of effort. For most folks, that effort is worth it, but you shouldn’t take...
If you are dealing with a toxic person in your life, you have probably noticed how every situation seems to somehow become about them.
No matter how persistent you are in trying to get the focus of events and conversations to center on the things that matter, the toxic person somehow manages to always be at the center of everything.
This is largely because toxic people are fueled by their desire to control everyone around them.
In earlier episodes, we've talked about why the toxic person needs to exrecise this control in order to maintain the fragile reality that they have created for themselves.
In this episode, we'll discuss what YOU can do about. I'll cover three things you can do to take back control from toxic people. Let's dive right in.
1. Stop Giving Them Your Mental Energy
The most effective way toxic people manage to control us is through what we do when they aren’t around.
When a toxic person is in the room, they can use their various tactics to maintain...
I thought I would try something a little different for our post today. You can check out everything you need to know about my exact survival tool in the video!